who am I

I am a writer, but really am I? It seems the more I say that, the more I am not. There is always something getting in the way of honing my craft. Either it is the "I will get to it soon, or I have to do this first". But in all reality, it never gets done.

I feel like there is no time, and no one really supports me. I know that people say they do, but really? No one is helping me get my script read, or really even reading it. Oh well, I guess I am on my own in this one. Which is fine, but then it comes down to the why bother, cause I never am going to get anywhere with it.

So, do I live with the "what if's?" I suppose so. So my dream, well it is just that, a dream. And where I am right now, dreams are for sleep. And most of them are nightmares.

Basically, since Oct 2008, my life has been a walking nightmare,When the dreaded "autism" word entered my life. Things go from alright to horrid, to good, to the apocalypse.

Since that day, my dreams for myself, and my daughter, well, evaporated. I think maybe I still haven't quite grasped that. Maybe that is why I find it so hard to just be okay with what I have. My heart strives for more, and my mind rebels and says nope, you have to do everything for your kids.

Somedays are so hard to even get my teeth brushed, let alone write.

There are hopeless days that continue to run into one another, so I have no clue where one begins and one ends.

And for those of you that don't live with the autism and everything that goes with it, you will never ever know what it is like. I know you can feel empathy with it, but really, I don't want you to. I know it is wrong of me, but sometimes, I really wish it on certain people.

Don't get me wrong, I never would really want to wish it on anyone, but there are times when things get bad, that I do.

I know they say that God will never give you more then what you can handle, but I think he wasn't talking about this. There are days where, I get so beat up, and where things go so wrong, that I want to take a knife out of the kitchen drawer and stab myself a million times, so I don't have to deal anymore.

I love my kids, but somedays, are like I said the apocalypse, and you always tend to think, that you did something to cause this. Back to the "what if's".

So, yeah....that is me for right now.

Writing? Yeah, what is that? Cause I don't know, and doubt I will anytime soon.