just a bit of the whatevers

So it's a beautiful day here in good ol' hamilton. Sun is shinning, birds are chirping, and sorta warm. So I am sitting out on the front porch typing this.

Something is going on with me. Not sure what, but I always get like this when I want to write. And I feel so very bad about it, cause I can't seem to function anymore. I don't know if it actually has anything to do with the writing, or just me. Probably just me.

I want so bad, for someone to read this script and be like, oh yeah this is awesome. I know many of you have read it, and read some of the edits, but I am talking someone in the industry.

So I am reworking it, and trying again. But that means, working hard on it and spending time and money. It costs a bit to try and get it into festivals, and competitions.

But really, I don't have the time, or I feel bad for taking the time. And this is where the I think it may be me thing comes in.

I am tired. I am tired of always wanting more than what I have. I don't think that I feel privileged or anything, it's just that I have worked so hard in my life and overcome so many obstacles that many something good should come, right?

I love my family, each and every one of them, but I feel bad for wanting a little me time. I feel like I should be cleaning, and cooking and spending all my free time with the hubby and the kids.

I feel bad cause I miss the days where kenz was with her dad, and I had a few days a week that there was only me and the animals.

There are days, that no matter what I feel like crap. Nothing I do is ever going to be good enough, and I dunno.

I just want something that is right out of my reach, and it's hard knowing that I might never get there no matter how hard I try.

Maybe I just need a vacation. Probably, it's been almost a year and a half since I went anywhere. I miss the ocean and beach, and I miss the streets of NOLA, mostly though I miss myself.

I rarely go out anymore, and I don't talk to many people. I don't know anyone, and I can't work yet, so it's a little hard. Oh I know we need to get into a support group for kenz, but yeah, need time and effort to do that.

Today is one of those days as you can see that is more of a give up hope day.

Oh well, I will persevere right. (This is me feeling bad on taking the time to right this when there is always housework to be done.)

So thanks for reading my ramblings.

Adieu for now