So we were given the opportunity to be a part of a "Special Needs" dance class recently. It all seems like a great idea for McKenzie. Yes well, it should have been an awesome experience for her, because she is such a music lover and dancer.
So according to the owner of the dance studio, (I will not say names; but if you live in the Ontario area and want to know, just ask me), this was a class for all special needs where there would be a helper for each child. They wanted to have the children learn the basics of ballet. Sounds great right???
Well, for the first couple of weeks we had a young girl helper for McKenzie. But I think if you know McKenzie, well let's say dance structured class for 45 minutes made her a bit restless. This class really was taught exactly how a normal dance class would be taught. No free dance, just floor stretching, and pointing, and lining up in front of the mirrors to do the positions. Sounds like fun right?
Well, Kenz did have fun, but she would get a bit distracted and start running around the room. Which would have been fine in a class actually made for special needs kids, but a definite no no in this one.
So by the time the third week rolled around she didn't have a helper. There were two children who had something wrong with their legs, (one used a walker and the other a leg board), which was awesome to see them working hard in the class, but Kenz' helper was moved over to them, giving them two helpers a piece. Don't get me started about the time I came home in tears, because when Kenz was being herself and goofing around, these two kids mothers were whispering to each other and staring down Kenz; shaking their heads and giving the condescending look at me. (Might be my imagination like everyone seems to think, but I don't think so.)
Sometimes the teacher would work with Kenzie, but for the most part it was me. Even though I was never asked to be her helper, which I would never had had a problem with helping her considering I took years and years of dance as a child. But on the other hand, she was suppose to have a helper.
Whatever, I overlooked this because she seemed to really like this class. But then they started to cancel classes, (which right now I am wondering if they just cancelled for her; you'll see why in a moment).
Then a couple of weeks ago, we go to class, and the teacher is working somewhat with Mckenzie, (even though there is another helper just sitting on a chair in the back of the room, because her kid wasn't there.) So the teacher has the kids start working on their Christmas concert routine. Wait what? What Christmas concert? We were never told about it, and had never worked on anything. As I said above, was this because they cancelled McKenzie's class, but not anyone else's. Or did they just fail to tell me about it? Either way, makes you think that they didn't want her involved with it.
So during this class, Kenz starts to run around again, and the teacher actually asks me to help, because she has to watch the rest of the class. Wow really? Even though there is another helper just sitting? Okay, sure. But of course she gets away from me, and the teacher grabs her from around the back leaning over her head....and bounce. Kenz, not on purpose, jumps and hits the teacher's chin.
Well, we all know it was an accident, but............
Dear Lana
It is with sincere regret that I have to ask you to withdraw MacKenzie from the class.
Our volunteers are just young kids and are not able to provide the help that MacKenzie needs.
As I have to supervise the entire class I am not able to spend the necessary time with MacKenzie.
She is very sweet and I know that she responds well to me and I wish I could have been of more help to her and yourself.
I am hoping that there is another program that will meet MacKenzie's needs better than ours could offer.
I wish you all the best,
Sincerely
Melanie
Two classes left is all we had, but I got this after she bonked the teacher, that was the only difference this week. So give me your opinions. Kenz was the only autistic child in the class that I know of. But I really think she got the short end of the stick, because she doesn't talk, and the class was not structured in a way she could work with. And she is just different.
I don't know, I am still a little mad about it, because it was an accident. So like I said I won't say the name of the studio, but if any parent wants a dance class for their special needs child or even their neurotypical child, I will never recommend this place. Never ever ever.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
My say about shots
Eek, am I actually going to write my feelings about autism and shots?
I am today, not sure why I feel today is the day to have my say, and I do believe I will probably make some people mad, or maybe not, who knows.
So to start, do I think that McKenzie's shots gave her autism? Yes and no. I know not a black and white answer; but really autism is not a black and white thing.
I believe that like some children with autism, McKenzie was prone to it, and something within the shots got the ball rolling; or moreso the domino effect going. Many of you may say it is just coincendence that it happened around the same time, and that is your opinion, but to see a happy, talking neurotypical child go from one day being just that, to the next, not speaking at all, violent, unhappy, well there has to be something to it at least with my case.
I also believe that some are born with it in their genes.
But then again, those children probably have an enviromental factor into it too. Think about it: the pollution in everything, what we are eating, what parents have taken in their lives (i.e. shots or other things).
Things like some of the shots they are giving are not tested long term. I know I had the anthrax shot while in the military and they said it was safe, but tell you what when my cartalage in my joints is deteriating (which is one of the side-effects), and they still say it's safe and has nothing to do with the shot; well, I tend to think they are wrong.
We all know our bodies better than anyone, so listen to your body.
All I can really say is please stay well informed. Check into the shots before you get them for yourselves or your children. Trust your gut instincts.
Question everything, like really what sense does it make to put more than one vaccine into a single shot. It takes at least two weeks for the body to get over the effects of one; but they are now putting 6 into 1. Something is a little off for me.
Think about it; business speaking that would be the most cost effective way to do things, i.e. save money and time. But what about the kiddos? Isn't it a bit much to put into a small child's body? I wouldn't put it in my body in one dose, would you?
Lastly, I am not against vaccinations, and Ryleigh will be vaccinated, but not until she is two; when her immune system is fully matured. Also she will only be given one shot at a time, and even then only the ones that she needs, not the flu shot or things of that nature.
So in closing, please do not just listen to the doctors, or people in the medical field, listen to yourself and always ask for the paperwork on the shot. Be informed. But also, try and do right for the earth, cause in the long run that is what is making it an unfit place for our kiddos.
I am today, not sure why I feel today is the day to have my say, and I do believe I will probably make some people mad, or maybe not, who knows.
So to start, do I think that McKenzie's shots gave her autism? Yes and no. I know not a black and white answer; but really autism is not a black and white thing.
I believe that like some children with autism, McKenzie was prone to it, and something within the shots got the ball rolling; or moreso the domino effect going. Many of you may say it is just coincendence that it happened around the same time, and that is your opinion, but to see a happy, talking neurotypical child go from one day being just that, to the next, not speaking at all, violent, unhappy, well there has to be something to it at least with my case.
I also believe that some are born with it in their genes.
But then again, those children probably have an enviromental factor into it too. Think about it: the pollution in everything, what we are eating, what parents have taken in their lives (i.e. shots or other things).
Things like some of the shots they are giving are not tested long term. I know I had the anthrax shot while in the military and they said it was safe, but tell you what when my cartalage in my joints is deteriating (which is one of the side-effects), and they still say it's safe and has nothing to do with the shot; well, I tend to think they are wrong.
We all know our bodies better than anyone, so listen to your body.
All I can really say is please stay well informed. Check into the shots before you get them for yourselves or your children. Trust your gut instincts.
Question everything, like really what sense does it make to put more than one vaccine into a single shot. It takes at least two weeks for the body to get over the effects of one; but they are now putting 6 into 1. Something is a little off for me.
Think about it; business speaking that would be the most cost effective way to do things, i.e. save money and time. But what about the kiddos? Isn't it a bit much to put into a small child's body? I wouldn't put it in my body in one dose, would you?
Lastly, I am not against vaccinations, and Ryleigh will be vaccinated, but not until she is two; when her immune system is fully matured. Also she will only be given one shot at a time, and even then only the ones that she needs, not the flu shot or things of that nature.
So in closing, please do not just listen to the doctors, or people in the medical field, listen to yourself and always ask for the paperwork on the shot. Be informed. But also, try and do right for the earth, cause in the long run that is what is making it an unfit place for our kiddos.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Today is brought to you by the Letter S
That stands for Sick.
Well, it's that time of year again. Where the weather starts to grow cold, the leaves are off the trees, and rain that won't stop.
And of course cold season. McKenzie has one. Cough, cough, sneeze, sneeze, and a small fever. Lovely.
Of course the rest of us will get it too. Blah.
Worse thing about McKenzie being sick....she refuses to take anything for it. No medicine will ever go through her lips, unless you hold her down and quickly squirt it into her mouth, while holding her mouth shut; otherwise she will spit it right back out at you. Believe me it isn't a pretty sight. My poor ceiling had blood looking liquid dripping from it last time she was sick.
Also she won't ever sit still long enough to get well. So that drink lots of liquids and rest; yes well, ahem. No way.
The eating soup or anything that would make her feel better, yeah right. No soup, no tea, no nothing. Poor kid.
So that just makes the cold always last longer. Just means for a whinning, coughing, sneezing, hyper child for about a week. Fun times.
Feel free to let me know your tricks. I would love to have something more up my sleeve.
Well, it's that time of year again. Where the weather starts to grow cold, the leaves are off the trees, and rain that won't stop.
And of course cold season. McKenzie has one. Cough, cough, sneeze, sneeze, and a small fever. Lovely.
Of course the rest of us will get it too. Blah.
Worse thing about McKenzie being sick....she refuses to take anything for it. No medicine will ever go through her lips, unless you hold her down and quickly squirt it into her mouth, while holding her mouth shut; otherwise she will spit it right back out at you. Believe me it isn't a pretty sight. My poor ceiling had blood looking liquid dripping from it last time she was sick.
Also she won't ever sit still long enough to get well. So that drink lots of liquids and rest; yes well, ahem. No way.
The eating soup or anything that would make her feel better, yeah right. No soup, no tea, no nothing. Poor kid.
So that just makes the cold always last longer. Just means for a whinning, coughing, sneezing, hyper child for about a week. Fun times.
Feel free to let me know your tricks. I would love to have something more up my sleeve.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A preview of the book
Don’t all kids like Legos, chicken nuggets, chips, and ice-cream? This is the question that six year old McKenzie would like answered.
It’s a Bird…It’s a Plane…Nope, it’s just me is a 494 word children’s story that deals with a child living with severe autism. In this story McKenzie tries to explain some of her odd traits, by using comparisons to super-heroes, aliens, sports-stars, and animals. She hopes that by the end of the story everyone will understand that she isn’t a “thing”, just a “normal” girl.
I have written this story because my daughter McKenzie lives with severe autism everyday. We have been the recipients of the non-autism-aware people, who do look at her as if she were a “thing” or “weird”.
With the numbers of children diagnosed with autism rising every year, there is a need for people to be informed about these kids. And what better place to start the information then with our children. I feel this book not only will keep the children laughing, but also inform them that the children with autism are normal kids too.
A short preview.....
Hi, my name is McKenzie.
Look at me. What do you see? A regular kid like yourself? I hope so.
But there is something different about me that I want you to know.
Mommy and Daddy say that I am very special.
Do you want to know some of the reasons why?
I wear a helmet, but I’m not a sports-star, like Wayne Grezky, or Peyton Manning.
And I don’t have any super powers. Not like Superman or Spiderman. I wish I did though, and then I could fly up high and climb all over things without getting into trouble. Oh, I would like that.
If anyone wants to read more, or has any interest in illustrations for it, or even knows of a publishing company that may actually look at it, please let me know.
I love this story and I really think it would do a world of good for those with and without autism.
It’s a Bird…It’s a Plane…Nope, it’s just me is a 494 word children’s story that deals with a child living with severe autism. In this story McKenzie tries to explain some of her odd traits, by using comparisons to super-heroes, aliens, sports-stars, and animals. She hopes that by the end of the story everyone will understand that she isn’t a “thing”, just a “normal” girl.
I have written this story because my daughter McKenzie lives with severe autism everyday. We have been the recipients of the non-autism-aware people, who do look at her as if she were a “thing” or “weird”.
With the numbers of children diagnosed with autism rising every year, there is a need for people to be informed about these kids. And what better place to start the information then with our children. I feel this book not only will keep the children laughing, but also inform them that the children with autism are normal kids too.
A short preview.....
Hi, my name is McKenzie.
Look at me. What do you see? A regular kid like yourself? I hope so.
But there is something different about me that I want you to know.
Mommy and Daddy say that I am very special.
Do you want to know some of the reasons why?
I wear a helmet, but I’m not a sports-star, like Wayne Grezky, or Peyton Manning.
And I don’t have any super powers. Not like Superman or Spiderman. I wish I did though, and then I could fly up high and climb all over things without getting into trouble. Oh, I would like that.
If anyone wants to read more, or has any interest in illustrations for it, or even knows of a publishing company that may actually look at it, please let me know.
I love this story and I really think it would do a world of good for those with and without autism.
Tigger strikes again
For the past week or so Kenz has been so very very hyper. She hasn't had any new sugar or any new things to eat, but yet.....
As I sit on the armchair in our living room, all I can think of is have we entered into an alternate universe where Kenz is now Tigger?
Run, run, run; from one end of the house to the other. Bounce, bounce, bounce; the couch definitely makes a good springboard.
If there was an award for couch flying; Kenz would take top honours right about now.
And to top it off, her nighttime sleep schedule has changed. No longer the right at 8:00 pm bedtime, oh no. Since her Tigger has come out it's more like 10 or 10:30
I hate to say it; but thank god she is at school. Sad isn't it, but at least I can relax a bit.
That's it for now. I am sure by the end of the day there will be more, but I will tell you all about it later.
As I sit on the armchair in our living room, all I can think of is have we entered into an alternate universe where Kenz is now Tigger?
Run, run, run; from one end of the house to the other. Bounce, bounce, bounce; the couch definitely makes a good springboard.
If there was an award for couch flying; Kenz would take top honours right about now.
And to top it off, her nighttime sleep schedule has changed. No longer the right at 8:00 pm bedtime, oh no. Since her Tigger has come out it's more like 10 or 10:30
I hate to say it; but thank god she is at school. Sad isn't it, but at least I can relax a bit.
That's it for now. I am sure by the end of the day there will be more, but I will tell you all about it later.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
"In honor of Autism Awareness Month, from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska, here are the top ten benefits of having a child with autism:
10. You have an automatic excuse to get out of social gatherings that you really didn't want to attend anyway.
9. Sometimes I look so haggard, I get a senior citizen discount.
8. The time I've spent reading labels automatically qualifies me for a food science degree.
7. Get to save time by speaking exclusively in acronyms, like ABA, GFCF, IEP, SCD, DAN, RDI...
6. I can't possibly be expected to lose weight or get to the gym with all of the stress I'm under.
5. No need to waste your money on (choose any that apply): GPS, calculators, encyclopedias, alarm clocks, Hooked on Phonics...
4. Get to learn cool new words that you never knew existed in the English language like 'perseveration', 'echolalia', and 'casein'.
3. Sometimes I get mistaken for celebrities...like Phil Spector or Nick Nolte.
2. When our kids misbehave in public it's because they have a serious neurological disorder. What's your kid's excuse?
And the #1 benefit of having a child with autism...
1. Our kids are soooooooo much cuter than those FLTK's (Funny-Looking Typical Kids)."
10. You have an automatic excuse to get out of social gatherings that you really didn't want to attend anyway.
9. Sometimes I look so haggard, I get a senior citizen discount.
8. The time I've spent reading labels automatically qualifies me for a food science degree.
7. Get to save time by speaking exclusively in acronyms, like ABA, GFCF, IEP, SCD, DAN, RDI...
6. I can't possibly be expected to lose weight or get to the gym with all of the stress I'm under.
5. No need to waste your money on (choose any that apply): GPS, calculators, encyclopedias, alarm clocks, Hooked on Phonics...
4. Get to learn cool new words that you never knew existed in the English language like 'perseveration', 'echolalia', and 'casein'.
3. Sometimes I get mistaken for celebrities...like Phil Spector or Nick Nolte.
2. When our kids misbehave in public it's because they have a serious neurological disorder. What's your kid's excuse?
And the #1 benefit of having a child with autism...
1. Our kids are soooooooo much cuter than those FLTK's (Funny-Looking Typical Kids)."
a new list or poem
In honor of Autism Awareness Month, from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska, here are the top ten benefits of having a child with autism:
10. You have an automatic excuse to get out of social gatherings that you really didn't want to attend anyway.
9. Sometimes I look so haggard, I get a senior citizen discount.
8. The time I've spent reading labels automatically qualifies me for a food science degree.
7. Get to save time by speaking exclusively in acronyms, like ABA, GFCF, IEP, SCD, DAN, RDI...
6. I can't possibly be expected to lose weight or get to the gym with all of the stress I'm under.
5. No need to waste your money on (choose any that apply): GPS, calculators, encyclopedias, alarm clocks, Hooked on Phonics...
4. Get to learn cool new words that you never knew existed in the English language like "perseveration", "echolalia", and "casein".
3. Sometimes I get mistaken for celebrities...like Phil Spector or Nick Nolte.
2. When our kids misbehave in public it's because they have a serious neurological disorder. What's your kid's excuse?
And the #1 benefit of having a child with autism...
1. Our kids are soooooooo much cuter than those FLTK's (Funny-Looking Typical Kids).
10. You have an automatic excuse to get out of social gatherings that you really didn't want to attend anyway.
9. Sometimes I look so haggard, I get a senior citizen discount.
8. The time I've spent reading labels automatically qualifies me for a food science degree.
7. Get to save time by speaking exclusively in acronyms, like ABA, GFCF, IEP, SCD, DAN, RDI...
6. I can't possibly be expected to lose weight or get to the gym with all of the stress I'm under.
5. No need to waste your money on (choose any that apply): GPS, calculators, encyclopedias, alarm clocks, Hooked on Phonics...
4. Get to learn cool new words that you never knew existed in the English language like "perseveration", "echolalia", and "casein".
3. Sometimes I get mistaken for celebrities...like Phil Spector or Nick Nolte.
2. When our kids misbehave in public it's because they have a serious neurological disorder. What's your kid's excuse?
And the #1 benefit of having a child with autism...
1. Our kids are soooooooo much cuter than those FLTK's (Funny-Looking Typical Kids).
Thursday, March 11, 2010
just a bit of the whatevers
So it's a beautiful day here in good ol' hamilton. Sun is shinning, birds are chirping, and sorta warm. So I am sitting out on the front porch typing this.
Something is going on with me. Not sure what, but I always get like this when I want to write. And I feel so very bad about it, cause I can't seem to function anymore. I don't know if it actually has anything to do with the writing, or just me. Probably just me.
I want so bad, for someone to read this script and be like, oh yeah this is awesome. I know many of you have read it, and read some of the edits, but I am talking someone in the industry.
So I am reworking it, and trying again. But that means, working hard on it and spending time and money. It costs a bit to try and get it into festivals, and competitions.
But really, I don't have the time, or I feel bad for taking the time. And this is where the I think it may be me thing comes in.
I am tired. I am tired of always wanting more than what I have. I don't think that I feel privileged or anything, it's just that I have worked so hard in my life and overcome so many obstacles that many something good should come, right?
I love my family, each and every one of them, but I feel bad for wanting a little me time. I feel like I should be cleaning, and cooking and spending all my free time with the hubby and the kids.
I feel bad cause I miss the days where kenz was with her dad, and I had a few days a week that there was only me and the animals.
There are days, that no matter what I feel like crap. Nothing I do is ever going to be good enough, and I dunno.
I just want something that is right out of my reach, and it's hard knowing that I might never get there no matter how hard I try.
Maybe I just need a vacation. Probably, it's been almost a year and a half since I went anywhere. I miss the ocean and beach, and I miss the streets of NOLA, mostly though I miss myself.
I rarely go out anymore, and I don't talk to many people. I don't know anyone, and I can't work yet, so it's a little hard. Oh I know we need to get into a support group for kenz, but yeah, need time and effort to do that.
Today is one of those days as you can see that is more of a give up hope day.
Oh well, I will persevere right. (This is me feeling bad on taking the time to right this when there is always housework to be done.)
So thanks for reading my ramblings.
Adieu for now
Something is going on with me. Not sure what, but I always get like this when I want to write. And I feel so very bad about it, cause I can't seem to function anymore. I don't know if it actually has anything to do with the writing, or just me. Probably just me.
I want so bad, for someone to read this script and be like, oh yeah this is awesome. I know many of you have read it, and read some of the edits, but I am talking someone in the industry.
So I am reworking it, and trying again. But that means, working hard on it and spending time and money. It costs a bit to try and get it into festivals, and competitions.
But really, I don't have the time, or I feel bad for taking the time. And this is where the I think it may be me thing comes in.
I am tired. I am tired of always wanting more than what I have. I don't think that I feel privileged or anything, it's just that I have worked so hard in my life and overcome so many obstacles that many something good should come, right?
I love my family, each and every one of them, but I feel bad for wanting a little me time. I feel like I should be cleaning, and cooking and spending all my free time with the hubby and the kids.
I feel bad cause I miss the days where kenz was with her dad, and I had a few days a week that there was only me and the animals.
There are days, that no matter what I feel like crap. Nothing I do is ever going to be good enough, and I dunno.
I just want something that is right out of my reach, and it's hard knowing that I might never get there no matter how hard I try.
Maybe I just need a vacation. Probably, it's been almost a year and a half since I went anywhere. I miss the ocean and beach, and I miss the streets of NOLA, mostly though I miss myself.
I rarely go out anymore, and I don't talk to many people. I don't know anyone, and I can't work yet, so it's a little hard. Oh I know we need to get into a support group for kenz, but yeah, need time and effort to do that.
Today is one of those days as you can see that is more of a give up hope day.
Oh well, I will persevere right. (This is me feeling bad on taking the time to right this when there is always housework to be done.)
So thanks for reading my ramblings.
Adieu for now
Sunday, February 28, 2010
a little of this a little of that
So if anyone really knows me, they know that California is part of my soul. The same with New Orleans, even though I think NOLA has taken over my heart.
With that said, it is weird that I have made a desicion to not go to California this year with everyone.
I was going to, but then life has taken over, and I don't think it is in the cards for me. A) we are still waiting on immigration paperwork, so basically if I go, I may not be able to come home again for a bit, which sucks, cause I can't even go to visit my family. B) I really don't want to leave my family, even for a few days. In all reality, they rock, and they are my rocks, C) Some of my favorite people to hang out with, i.e. Trevor, and Nikki, won't be there.
Not that I don't love most of everyone who is going, but there are cliques there, and that kinda sucks.
And then there is D) LOST ate my life. Yeah, I am not going to put myself in the position of wanting to actually buy this book, so I can stand in front of the author(s) and rip it up. Not really worth it. My feelings on that subject are still the same as they were last year. I had tried to come to terms with it, and believe that I could deal with it, but really, I have this stinking suspicion that it would get brought up and I would be put in a position of not enjoying my time with everyone.
When this person tried to make me feel petty for my being upset for using my picture and story without my conscent, yeah well, whatever. I am still waiting for a reall apology for that one. I would share the email they sent, but as of now I guess I deleted it. Oh well, I hope they have a fun time.
No matter what it will always be something I feel strongly about.
So with that said, maybe next year I will head out there for some nice beach time, down in Venice. Gotta love that place.
So that is about all for now. we'll see if anything else comes up today.
With that said, it is weird that I have made a desicion to not go to California this year with everyone.
I was going to, but then life has taken over, and I don't think it is in the cards for me. A) we are still waiting on immigration paperwork, so basically if I go, I may not be able to come home again for a bit, which sucks, cause I can't even go to visit my family. B) I really don't want to leave my family, even for a few days. In all reality, they rock, and they are my rocks, C) Some of my favorite people to hang out with, i.e. Trevor, and Nikki, won't be there.
Not that I don't love most of everyone who is going, but there are cliques there, and that kinda sucks.
And then there is D) LOST ate my life. Yeah, I am not going to put myself in the position of wanting to actually buy this book, so I can stand in front of the author(s) and rip it up. Not really worth it. My feelings on that subject are still the same as they were last year. I had tried to come to terms with it, and believe that I could deal with it, but really, I have this stinking suspicion that it would get brought up and I would be put in a position of not enjoying my time with everyone.
When this person tried to make me feel petty for my being upset for using my picture and story without my conscent, yeah well, whatever. I am still waiting for a reall apology for that one. I would share the email they sent, but as of now I guess I deleted it. Oh well, I hope they have a fun time.
No matter what it will always be something I feel strongly about.
So with that said, maybe next year I will head out there for some nice beach time, down in Venice. Gotta love that place.
So that is about all for now. we'll see if anything else comes up today.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
who am I
I am a writer, but really am I? It seems the more I say that, the more I am not. There is always something getting in the way of honing my craft. Either it is the "I will get to it soon, or I have to do this first". But in all reality, it never gets done.
I feel like there is no time, and no one really supports me. I know that people say they do, but really? No one is helping me get my script read, or really even reading it. Oh well, I guess I am on my own in this one. Which is fine, but then it comes down to the why bother, cause I never am going to get anywhere with it.
So, do I live with the "what if's?" I suppose so. So my dream, well it is just that, a dream. And where I am right now, dreams are for sleep. And most of them are nightmares.
Basically, since Oct 2008, my life has been a walking nightmare,When the dreaded "autism" word entered my life. Things go from alright to horrid, to good, to the apocalypse.
Since that day, my dreams for myself, and my daughter, well, evaporated. I think maybe I still haven't quite grasped that. Maybe that is why I find it so hard to just be okay with what I have. My heart strives for more, and my mind rebels and says nope, you have to do everything for your kids.
Somedays are so hard to even get my teeth brushed, let alone write.
There are hopeless days that continue to run into one another, so I have no clue where one begins and one ends.
And for those of you that don't live with the autism and everything that goes with it, you will never ever know what it is like. I know you can feel empathy with it, but really, I don't want you to. I know it is wrong of me, but sometimes, I really wish it on certain people.
Don't get me wrong, I never would really want to wish it on anyone, but there are times when things get bad, that I do.
I know they say that God will never give you more then what you can handle, but I think he wasn't talking about this. There are days where, I get so beat up, and where things go so wrong, that I want to take a knife out of the kitchen drawer and stab myself a million times, so I don't have to deal anymore.
I love my kids, but somedays, are like I said the apocalypse, and you always tend to think, that you did something to cause this. Back to the "what if's".
So, yeah....that is me for right now.
Writing? Yeah, what is that? Cause I don't know, and doubt I will anytime soon.
I feel like there is no time, and no one really supports me. I know that people say they do, but really? No one is helping me get my script read, or really even reading it. Oh well, I guess I am on my own in this one. Which is fine, but then it comes down to the why bother, cause I never am going to get anywhere with it.
So, do I live with the "what if's?" I suppose so. So my dream, well it is just that, a dream. And where I am right now, dreams are for sleep. And most of them are nightmares.
Basically, since Oct 2008, my life has been a walking nightmare,When the dreaded "autism" word entered my life. Things go from alright to horrid, to good, to the apocalypse.
Since that day, my dreams for myself, and my daughter, well, evaporated. I think maybe I still haven't quite grasped that. Maybe that is why I find it so hard to just be okay with what I have. My heart strives for more, and my mind rebels and says nope, you have to do everything for your kids.
Somedays are so hard to even get my teeth brushed, let alone write.
There are hopeless days that continue to run into one another, so I have no clue where one begins and one ends.
And for those of you that don't live with the autism and everything that goes with it, you will never ever know what it is like. I know you can feel empathy with it, but really, I don't want you to. I know it is wrong of me, but sometimes, I really wish it on certain people.
Don't get me wrong, I never would really want to wish it on anyone, but there are times when things get bad, that I do.
I know they say that God will never give you more then what you can handle, but I think he wasn't talking about this. There are days where, I get so beat up, and where things go so wrong, that I want to take a knife out of the kitchen drawer and stab myself a million times, so I don't have to deal anymore.
I love my kids, but somedays, are like I said the apocalypse, and you always tend to think, that you did something to cause this. Back to the "what if's".
So, yeah....that is me for right now.
Writing? Yeah, what is that? Cause I don't know, and doubt I will anytime soon.
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